From The Desk of David

He said as if it was nothing, like talking about the weather, “not everything is a problem to solve, but a tension to manage.” He would continue on with his thoughts, passing by the destruction that the truth bomb he had just dropped had left. I didn’t hear anything else he had to say; I was still stuck on that phrase, tension to manage. At the moment, I knew it was life-changing; I just didn’t quite understand exactly how…

Flash forward to a few days later, and I would find myself sitting in a room that felt both familiar and foreign all at the same time. Faces were covered with masks and farther away than normal, I find myself worshiping in a room of believers for the first time in a while. I take a step back, drawing in a deep breath. When all of a sudden, the still, small voice, breaks through. “You need community.” What? Community? What you mean? I’m sitting in the middle of the community right now, aren’t I? “But do they know you? Know every part of you?” No. But what does that matter? 

My mind begins to race. Reaching for my phone, to write it all down, why does it matter if they know every part of me? Isn’t being seen enough? Isn’t that what community is there for, to make sure everyone is seen? 

I freeze. No… what am I saying? It isn’t enough to just be seen. People have to be experienced. Yes, this moment was a kind of an “ah-ha” moment for me. For far too long, I had been keeping people at arm’s length, trying to only give the best versions of myself, in the hope that if people only saw the best versions of myself, that’s what would actually become a reality. I never wanted to let people in to very deep, personal parts of myself. Why? I don’t really know. 

After this Sunday morning, I would have a few incredibly awkward and uncomfortable conversations with a few trusted men, Who I essentially would ask to become mentors in my life and would be given access to the deepest, intimate, and most broken parts. And I’d then give them permission to help me manage the tension in life. 

Why do I share this, though? 

Because today is world suicide prevention day—a day that is near and dear to my heart because I’ve lost people to suicide, in fact, one of those people I lost almost a year ago. But it’s also near and dear to me because I’ve almost lost my own battle with depression. But I think one of the most important ways to fight against depression and hopelessness is to have a genuine community in your life. 

You see, like many other things, mental health can be a tension to manage, not a problem to solve, but you can’t manage it alone. Sometimes, you need a therapist, sometimes you need medication, sometimes you need friends and friends who have seen the darkest parts of your soul and still love you despite seeing those things.

To the men who I call “spiritual big brothers and mentors,” I am forever grateful for you. I’m thankful for you loving me even on my worst days and my good ones. I’m thankful you are constantly pointing me back to Jesus and keeping me grounded in Him. I’m thankful for every time you laugh with me. I’m thankful for every time you answer my panicked, fearful text messages. I’m thankful that you shut down lies in my life. I’m thankful to call each of you, friend and brother. 

To everyone else, your life matters. You matter. And on world suicide prevention day, if you need help, please get it, because your life is worth living for. 

For His Glory,

David