From The Desk of David

I remember the words of the young boy with sit in the front row of youth group on a Sunday night, offering his life up to the Lord and would ask that he would be used in the most radical of ways. The young boy, but I guess I can’t call him young considering he was a senior in high school, and he thought he knew everything. But oh, how he was wrong. How he never quite understood the loaded words in which he offered a prayer to be used by The Lord. He never quite understood what it truly meant to be a, “living sacrifice.”

The boy would pray such words of audacity and boldness but little we understand just what it meant when he would ask the Lord to make him whatever He wanted, and whoever He needed, and the boy would offer to the Lord that He could do whatever He wanted with his bits and pieces in which he so boldly laid before the Father.

Alas, this boy was not so young, for like I said he was a senior in high school and it was only a year ago that he offered such a bold prayer to the Lord. And I guess I can’t call him young because he was me. I never quite understood what I was exactly signing up for when I told the Lord that could have my entire life and I would dedicate my life to full-time ministry.

I’m learning what that’s like now. Ministry is getting up in the middle of the night and rushing to someone side when they learned of tragic news. Ministry is sitting across the table from someone, listening to them share the darkest part of their soul with and instead of pushing back against them with judgment, you grab a shovel and start digging through the mess. Ministry is when someone sits you down and tells you that they feel like a loser and want to end it all, and you must guide them through the darkness with the truths of The Light of the World.

Did I know that this, walking through and leading people through dark situations, is what ministry was all about? Maybe. Maybe I knew that this is what I had signed up for. But what I did not know, or maybe I was just naïve to realize that, that while you’re leaving others through the darkness, you might be in the middle of it too.

It happened when I’m sitting across the table with a friend. Tears are rolling down their face as their coming clean that they are a broken person. My heart breaks as each confession of brokenness flow from their lips. But then, out of the corner of my eye, something grabs my attention. It was a person – one who had once said some pretty hurtful things and I still had bruises from the painful words they said. I try to focus on the friend in front of me. Attempting to block out my surroundings, “I can’t let the past pain stop me from helping this friend.” I think to myself. Before I can shift my focus back to the conversation before me, lies begin to speak. They tried to give the validity to the hurtful words once spoken. They try to tell me that I’m not good enough to speak truth into this friend’s broken heart. I try not to listen but I just can’t seem to shake them.

I feel frustrated that I can’t seem to help this friend, who is simply in need of someone to speak against the lies which plague them. I beat myself up for the rest of the day, feeding, what Kris Vallotton once called, “the dog of doom,” which only made them bark louder. I walk into my dorm room, even more frustrated than before. Why can’t I just help people step into what God wants for them most? Why do I have to deal with all my own junk as well?

I open my Bible, in a quest to find answers to these questions, but the best I can come up with is simply the fact that I live in a broken world. My heart is not satisfied with this answer. I don’t want to live in a broken state – I want to be made whole. I slam my Bible shut, frustrated… No. Angry. Angry that I feel this way. Angry that I’m broken. Oh, how I long for the day in which Jesus will come and end all our brokenness.

I exhale. I open my computer to distract myself. But before I can dive into my homework, something stops me.

“David, rebuilding things takes time. But don’t worry, I use broken things better anyways. Don’t you remember that audacious claim you once made – to give everything and every part of you up for the sake of others, and more importantly, Me? Where is that David? Where is that David who is willing to run into the darkness and pull out anyone who might dare to follow? You just keep on being that David and I will figure out the rest.”

So, I guess you’re expecting me to unpack this word from the Lord – and with it give some sort of insight or encouragement or something that makes you feel all warm inside. But not this time. I don’t have any big words to offer, any newfound wisdom to give. Do I feel qualified to be a minister of the gospel? No. Not even close. Ah, praise be to the Lord that there is no need to feel qualified or feel usable. There is only a need for open hands and a willing heart. So, while I’m still trying to figure this whole thing out – something I believe I will not accomplish on this side of eternity, a lean on the words of that young boy who so willingly gave up everything so that he might see some come to know Jesus as he knows Jesus.

Jesus,

Disfigure me.

Dismember me.

Spread me out on the table and reassemble me. Like the thief on the cross, you still remember me.

Make me out to whatever you want.

Make me into whoever you need.

But whatever you do with my parts and pieces, please Jesus, don’t make my soul any less wild or any less… Human.

For His Glory,

David